Naruto Too Lucky
by New Level Darkness
Summary: old; T for language. Tobi is just joining the Akatsuki, much to Deidara's disappointment. Of course, to enter, Tobi must kill a man. But how far will the mission go before things start going bad for Deidara? He knew that he was doomed from the beginning.


Why is it that all of these are old?? characters (c) masashi kishimoto. there.

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_Too Lucky_

Silhouettes can be pretty creepy, you know? Like Leader-sama's. His eyes practically glare at everything all at once. He was like the devil. But when I first met Tobi, he was the exact opposite of scary. His silhouette almost screamed "Molest me!" He might as well have been walking around with a kick me sign on his back. I was thinking "This guy wants to be part of the Akatsuki? The hell with that, un."

So there I was, in the Akatsuki meeting room. Leader-sama was there as a silhouette, with some other guy. Even from the beginning I could tell that Tobi was no stud. And a private meeting between the three of us could only mean...

"Deidara" Pein says to me. If he's talking I gotta listen 'cause if I don't he'll probably tear my arms off and use them to hang his curtains. I don't want that, I need my arms.

"This is Tobi, your new partner," So I'm sitting there, on a typical lawn chair, wondering what the hell is wrong with these guys. I sure hope that Leader-sama can't read minds, because I was throwing some pretty colorful insults at him; inaudibly of course. The guy called Tobi was just standing there, all happy. He was happy. Akatsuki's aren't supposed to be happy and spastic like that! I doubted that this guy was even an S-class missing Nin.

"Pleased to meet you, Deidara-sempai!" Tobi said to me. His voice... it was so small. He didn't sound tough at all; instead he sounded like a sissy 19 year old. And what was up with the whole "sempai" thing? Tobi definitely had to go.

"Tobi will be arriving at the hideout soon. Just wait here for him. You two will be going on a mission as soon as Tobi arrives," I hated how Pein always had everything sorted out beforehand, and without my consent. "Tobi," I guess Tobi got the hint because he disconnected a second later. I got up, ready to leave; I didn't like being alone with Leader-sama one bit.

"Well, Leader-sama," I said. Honestly, I was a bit anxious. "Tobi's a total loser, I'm just gonna-"

"I'm not done yet," He had nerve, interrupting me like that. But then again, he was the Leader. And what position was I in to rebel? Dammit. "You must wait here for him to arrive. Remember, this mission is like a test for Tobi. Kill or be killed. I want to assure his talents," My opinion on the matter was simple: Tobi had no talent, therefore he should be killed. It was my simple wish. But judging on how my last wishes had gone, I guess I realized that Tobi would last much longer than I ever would.

"The mission is simple;" I think Pein just liked to explain things; like he enjoyed sounding smarter than everyone all the time. Well let me tell you, he was good at it. "A man by the name of Ren Haruna owes us a large sum of money-" More money problems? Kakuzu needs to work harder. Actually, Pein-sama's probably going to mention Stitch-face now. "And Kakuzu is very unhappy about it," I knew it. "Your mission is to kill Ren Haruna. He owns the only bar in the Hidden Rain Village, you can't miss it. Try to let Tobi do most of the work." Pein hastily held up a photograph. It showed a man with messy brown hair, a badly shaven beard, and an expression of near insanity. Damn, Ren had problems. How had a guy like this become so well known? "I'll leave you to yourself now. Good luck," Then he just left me alone; all alone, by myself, without even a simple goodbye. Did it hurt my feelings? No.

I just sat back down and waited for that dork Tobi to get there. Our mission was to kill this Ren guy. Fine by me; Tobi didn't seem the type of guy who'd willingly kill someone. He was bound to fail.

Anyway, I sat there for like 7 minutes, just thinking things over. I was getting kind of bored, but hey, Leader-sama had told me to wait here. If I went anywhere, I had no doubt that he'd track me down and do the whole freaky Rinnegan trick and make me jump off some cliff.

Then I look up and all of a sudden this tall guy is standing right next to me, staring me down. Seriously, talk about scaring the shit out of me. The first thought that pops into my mind is "Is this Tobi?"

"Hi, Sempai!" he said to me. Yes, this was Tobi. But why the hell did he have a pumpkin on his face? It took me a while to realize that Tobi was still talking to me. Haha and I hadn't been listening to any of it.

"-for this my whole life, Sempai!" Yeah, whatever he had said before that didn't seem important. Therefore, I didn't ask him to repeat it.

"Let's just go on the mission, un," I said. I was eager to watch this loser fail.

So we left the hideout. I wanted to show Tobi how a real S-class missing Nin acted. I chose a common road to travel on. It was moderately populated with plenty of people to freak out. Our traditional hats covered out faces and their bells jingled, alerting everyone that the Akatsuki was here. Heads turned to look at us, to tremble in our presence. Yeah, this was the way it was supposed to be. Tobi followed along; he walked next to me, mimicking my pace. I would deliberately turn to look at passersby. They'd freak out; it was hilarious. The little kids would run to their parents, and their parents would look at me with eyes glazed with fear.

Ok, so the mission was to kill Ren Haruna; Easy. Letting Tobi do most of the work; not so easy. I had to be serious about this. I had to actually kill this dude if Tobi didn't. I had to-

Then, in the middle of my inspirational thought, Tobi falls flat on his face, destroying the tense atmosphere that I had created. What was that sound; that horribly bouncy, happy noise? Someone was laughing at us. I had hit an all time low, and it was all Tobi's fault. Go to hell, Tobi.

We were totally unthreatening all the way to the village. Sure I had been humiliated, but now we had to find the bar. If we didn't, Leader-sama would probably rip off my limbs and feed them to Zetsu. I looked around, trying to- holy shit what the hell is that? The freaking biggest neon sign I had ever seen was right there. Wow, Leader-sama was right. That bar was hard to miss. The sign said "The Haruna Bar". Well, we had found it.

We bounded up to the front entrance. No, wait, I didn't bound, Tobi bounded! 'Cause I would… never… bound… Ahem. Yes, Tobi bounded up to the front entrance while I walked. The door opened automatically. This must've been one of those high profit bars; automatic doors were seriously expensive. Hmm, maybe I should open a bar…

Anyway, as soon as we went in, we realized that finding Ren would be like one of those retarded "Where's Waldo" books; it was crowded beyond recommendation. I was surprised that there was enough oxygen for everyone.

"Sempai," I could barely hear Tobi over all of the noise. "There are so many people!"

"Yeah, I noticed, un!" I yelled. I don't even know if he heard me. I looked around, trying to find Ren. Nope, I couldn't see him anywhere. I looked back to Tobi, who was taking off his cloak.

"What are you doing, un?" I asked him in disbelief.

"It's hot in here, Deidara-sempai," Tobi replied, his cloak now resting in his arms.

"But Tobi, this is a bar, un. Usually when people take off their clothes, it means they're being seductive,"

"What does that mean?"

"… Never mind," Tobi was the opposite of a walking dictionary. He was like a dictionary that had been dropped in a swamp, so the pages were all smeared and stuck together.

"We might as well get a drink while we're here," I suggested. Hell, I'd pay to see Tobi drunk.

"Ooh, can I get chocolate milk?" … It looked like I wouldn't be paying for anything any time soon.

"No, un," We advanced on the counter; we were going to ask the bartender where Ren was. But to my surprise, Ren himself was sitting behind the counter, surrounded by girls. What luck! Now we just had to kill him. I abandoned Tobi on the spot and approached Ren, but I guess he saw my Akatsuki cloak because after one swift glance at me, he left rather hastily with a concerned look on his face. How rude; I was supposed to kill him, he can't leave!

Fine, be that way, I thought. Yeah, 'cause if he wanted to be a self conceited idiot, then fine! I turned to face Tobi- oh no. He wasn't there. Where did he go? Did I just lose a five foot seven man? Wow, way to go me.

I maneuvered through the massive crowd, calling Tobi's name. Damn, where could he be? I had searched the whole room when I chanced upon the kitchen. There's no way Tobi could be in there. Bleh, I went in anyway.

The door swung open and I stepped inside. If he was in here, I expected to see Tobi lazing around, being a nuisance. I didn't expect to see Tobi being handed a heavily sharpened knife.

"Cut that ova' there for meh," the knife-giver said, his voice thickly accented. This idiot! Did he not realize that by giving Tobi a knife he could be starting World War 3?! Dammit!

"Tobi, un!" I gasped, rushing over to Tobi. "Put that down, we have a mission to do!"

"Ok, Deidara-sempai," Tobi said. He was so naïve; didn't he realize how worried I had been? We exited the kitchen and resumed our job; I was sick of this, I didn't care how we killed Ren Haruna, as long as he died. I turned to Tobi, prepared to give him his commands, but didn't bother when I saw the blade still in his hand.

"Tobi," I said, my voice low. "What is that, un?" Tobi briefly looked down to the grasped knife before resting his eyes on me again.

"Oh, this?" He replied. He held up the knife as to indicate it, narrowly missing my hand. That was a close one; I could've lost my hand just because of Tobi's retarded innocence. If I was going to lose an arm or a hand I'd prefer it to be from some epic battle, not Tobi's stupidity!

"I didn't realize that I still had it with me,"

"Put it down, un," I told him. I was getting seriously annoyed now. "No one's safe if you have a weapon," Tobi just stood there, staring me down through his mask. I stared back, as awkward as it was.

"What, un?"

"Sempai, I can't just leave it somewhere," Tobi argued as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "It's dangerous!" Tobi had a point, but what did I care for others' safety?

"You know what?" I said, exasperated. "Whatever, un. Just bring it with you," Stupid Tobi, and his stupid knife.

We ventured back to the counter; hopefully Ren would be there again. And lucky for us, he was. Another startled glance at us and he was gone. But this time, he left through a door right behind him. That was, presumably, his office; perfect, a nice enclosed space. My luck couldn't get any better.

I hopped the counter, and Tobi followed, although he got stuck halfway and landed on his stomach, his feet flailing. So he ended up just walking around it. I slammed open the door, quickly thinking up a plan.

"Tobi, wait here, un," I said, entering the room alone and shutting the door behind me. I wanted to kill this guy myself; to hell with Leader-sama's orders. "Ren Haruna," I hissed threateningly. Oh yes, this was going to be fun. "You do realize that you owe the Akatsuki a large amount of money?" I was enjoying this; I had him right where I wanted him. "When you don't repay someone, you get in trouble, un. Prepare to die,"

"Y-you can't kill me!" The frightened man stammered, recoiling slightly.

"I've been waiting for this moment for a long time," I said darkly, advancing on him. I spun around defensively when the door behind me flew open. Tobi burst into the room, not bothering to hide his distress. He began speaking franticly, flailing the knife in his confusion.

"Sempai, some-weird-people-want-me-to-buy-some-weird-drink-but-I-don't-want-it-and-they-won't-leave-me-alone!" Ren's eyes flickered to the blade and his expression nearly doubled in fright. To him, Tobi probably looked like a really tall, angry man wearing a bizarre mask that was waving around a huge knife. I nearly laughed out loud.

"D-don't kill me!" Ren begged, his eyes still following the knife. I was too busy stifling my laughter to stop Ren from pushing past me and dashing out of his office, staying as far away from Tobi as possible. Dammit, this was all Tobi's fault. What had happened to my luck?

I darted after him with Tobi close behind me. Ren knew that we were following him so he tried to lose us several times in the crowd. But we chased him all throughout his bar, out into the streets, and all the way to the Rain Village's nearby mountains.

We were just at the precipiceof a cliff when I started slowing down. Dammit, I was just too tired to keep going. I began panting and soon I had become completely immobile with my hands on my knees. I was surprised to see Tobi run past me as fast as ever. Meanwhile, Ren, who was just a couple meters away, continued to run until he found that Tobi had cornered him against the cliff. There was nothing between Ren and open air. He looked over the edge and a sickened look appeared on his face. He backed up a couple steps before spinning around to face Tobi.

"Haruna-san," Tobi said, clutching the knife. "Just give us the money and we'll-"

"NO!" Ren cried, obviously freaked out. I didn't blame him; he was standing on a cliff, being threatened, and I was just watching. I'm sure he would've loved to swap places, but not me. I wanted to see how Tobi handled this.

"Please, Haruna-san," Tobi said, carefully approaching Ren.

"No!" Ren yelled, backing up despite the oncoming cliff. His eyes were glued on the knife that Tobi so desperately hung on to. This was getting interesting.

Tobi lifted his hands in recognition, signaling that he wouldn't hurt Ren, but the man on the cliff wouldn't look away from the blade.

"P-please!" he screamed. Wow, what a loser. I hated guys like this. They had no dignity and no courage. "Please-" he took another step back, but that was his downfall; literally. His foot slid off of the edge and his weight carried him down. For once he wasn't staring at that damn knife. His eyes quickly darted towards me right before he fell to his death.

That did not just happen. Tobi did not just accidentally kill that guy; did he? Well now I knew where my luck had gone; apparently I had given it to Tobi.

"That was cruel, un," I said teasingly, straightening myself and walking towards Tobi.

"Sempai, it was an accident!" Tobi squeaked. "I-I didn't mean to," Stupid kid; he had just completed the mission and he was treating it like a bad thing.

"Whatever, Tobi, let's just go home,"

In short, this had been a complete waste of my time; it had been the stupidest mission ever. Tobi had been too lucky. I mean, how do you accidentally kill the client? Dammit.

Anyway, when we got back to the hideout, Pein was waiting for us in the living room. Hooray; just who I wanted to see.

"So," he said nonchalantly, not even bothering to look at us. "How'd it go?"

"The guy's dead, un," I told him resentfully. I wanted to tell him where to get off right then and there but that would've resulted in something disastrous.

"By what means?" Pein asked. Him and his stupid wording; my need to blow something up was rising.

"Tobi pushed him off a cliff, un,"

"No, I-"

"Shuttup, Tobi,"

"Ok…:

Pein looked wary, but seemed to accept the explanation anyway.

"In that case, Tobi," he said blankly. "Welcome to the Akatsuki,"

"Thank you, Leader-sama!" Tobi said, bowing politely. All that passed through my mind at that moment was "Why me?"

Pein vanished on the spot, leaving me and Tobi alone in the living room. I couldn't believe I was partnered with this guy. It nearly brought tears to my eyes; Tobi was a complete dork. I could tell that my days were going to get a whole lot longer.

"Sempai, I forgot my cloak!" Yeah, a whole lot longer.

+end+


End file.
